open letter from someone with bpd

It felt as though my very real issues were being labelled as some sort of 'mood swing'. Initially I thought we just fell out of love and she was unable to deal with that reality (like maybe she needed a larger reason like alcoholism or abuse rather than just drifting apart). I got itchy, restless, looking for distractions to avoid looking at myself, my escalating issues, facing the things I didnt understand and trying to fill the void when you werent there. The author of this letter has since RECOVERED from Borderline Personality Disorder and no longer meets the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. There are ups and downs for everyone, mentally healthy or not. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to even acknowledge that half the time (more than half the time) and I have had to take a zero tolerance for any crap in order to protect my family. Explore the different options for supporting our mission. Hello thank you so much for sharing. It's seriously messed up. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. Pain that is triggered through attempts to be emotionally intimate with someone else. I'm constantly dropping things I'm doing or putting myself in awkward situations so I can be there. Needing Constant Reassurance or Validation "I ask for reassurance because I worry I'm miscommunicating or misinterpreting someone. If you do not want that we track your visit to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here: We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. So thank you. Thank you fit writing this letter and for your blog. 4. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a severe, complex illness that is marked by frequent mood changes, an unstable self-image and intense, unbalanced relationships. I guess my point is, Is there hope for a person with BPD that can even realize that something is wrong despite I can see many symptoms?Thank you so much for your guidance. A lover, a friend, a parent or sibling, and a coworker all have the privilege of having a frame of reference to place the borderline in. I did drink, but it always leads me to dangerous places. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ask questions. Leaving university during the recession, where there were no jobs in my chosen field, was a pretty anxious time. I tried to help her by pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked her (!!!) I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. I am sorry for blaming you. I think you are the first Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog. This website is a collection of information that we have found helpful or of interest in the context of our own lived experiences. Sorry it had to take me so long to get it, but better late then never. I truly believe that I will never get better, because I am surrounded by negative people with negative feelings toward me that I then reciprocate toward them. Why? I've spent time in mental health institutions, in therapy, I have made attempts on my own life and I'm 25 years old - I feel I have been through things that most people don't go through until they are much later on in life. Live life to the fullest. BPD & Emotional Distress: Our choices impact our nervous systems, TIRED OF SELF-SABOTAGING?! I know it might seem I am heartless, but I have to put my own husband and my 5 children first. My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. My friend is having a sense of impending doom. My perception as a child was that I was, in fact, the cause of her turmoil. This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. There is nothing you can do to fix it. Caring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. That evening I spoke to a LCSW who was able to confirm that all her actions (plus a prior divorce, SI, estrangement from her children, abusive father and ex-boyfriends, etc.) Debbie, Kelly, thank you so much for letting me know! Today I turned 47 and I feel like I am 77. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. I've been told I would always be this way, I would always be Borderline, always end up messing up my life, always needing care for my psycological issues. Ironically, he was a doctor, a darn good one too if I might add.Now, having three daughters, I am struggling to find a way to explain to my girls that I love them despite the way I acted, and in dillema whether it's best to live apart from them for their sake since my BPD might influence their mental growth, and miss them or stay and make matters worse. I'm on many meds. I hope to afford continuing to see my therapist. Its not your fault. My ex has BDP. Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better. We provide you with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored. Find out how you can be a NAMI HelpLine specialist. Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, refusing them will have impact how our site functions. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. You are a source of admiration, thanks for your courage and generous words. This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer. The following are trademarks of NAMI: NAMI, NAMI Basics, NAMI Connection, NAMI Ending the Silence, NAMI FaithNet, NAMI Family & Friends, NAMI Family Support Group, NAMI Family-to-Family, NAMI Grading the States, NAMI Hearts & Minds, NAMI Homefront, NAMI HelpLine, NAMI In Our Own Voice, NAMI On Campus, NAMI Parents & Teachers as Allies, NAMI Peer-to-Peer, NAMI Provider, NAMI Smarts for Advocacy, Act4MentalHealth, Vote4MentalHealth, NAMIWalks and National Alliance on Mental Illness. The stigma. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. I will try and find your blog, Lots of love Kat. Having BPD is no picnic, either. i love your article and i wish that i was that far ahead; we are given just one year of dbt then we get on with it alone; there may be a graduate group but it will only be every month or two for a few hours and no therapy; my dbt ended about a month ago and far from moving on i am regressing and i feel that i have never done it at all; i would so like to be able to see things as you do but it looks very unlikely that i ever will; i would say give thanks every day for what you have been given and spare a thought and maybe a prayer for those of us who are still in the pits and stuggling; one year is just not enough to make the skills part of ones life. My will. For more information, visit our Terms of Service & Privacy Policy page. I refuse to believe it. I'm so proud of him that he agreed very graciously to attend and learn these skills. Spot on insight!! As you note, they benefit from the mystery around BPD bc they can more easily confuse people, induce sympathy and get people to excuse their abuse etc. I have been diagnosed with other things except for this. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I want nothing more than get back with her but I dont know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and wont leave. ~ Dave M. This comment has been removed by the author. Shows that YES there is hope and not only have you found it but, you have it held tightly in your grasp!! It was so overwhelming that is when they diagnosed me with severe depression and panic disorder after taking a long test and seeing several drs. I could never blame them for not wanting to be around me, but this all left and leaves me with absolutely no support system. I would love it if you shared my letter with clients and posted it on the wall in your office. I am 26 years old, I live in Wichita, KS, and I live with my father because I cannot live alone. We havent outgrown this. This is an example of how manipulative people with BPD can be. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. Armon, what a kind, loving husband you are. I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on life. I am sorry I was selfish. 4. You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. That is what a fight with a loved one feels like, or how intensely they can feel love for a single person. This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. it gives me so much understanding and hope for my relationship. When crises occur, family members can help achieve emotional stability by encouraging slow breathing to reduce pressure. It was both painful and hopeful to read it. This situation has been devastating because we were planning to get married and I wanted nothing more than that but her unwillingness to even realize that there could be something and act is what made me left, also because I was already showing signs of burn out such as anxiety, insomnia and depression that led me to my own therapy. intense mood swings including outbursts of anxiety, anger and depression. She has told me when she gets this sense of impending doom in the past is when she ends up in the hospital, which she has made it over a year with out being hospitalized. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. They said that it was more important to show me how much they love me than to go on long vacations alone. Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Needless to say, if you have a loved one with BPD, life can be fraught with crises and conflict. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a long-term pattern of "abnormal behavior" that is characterized by an unstable sense of self, emotions, and relationships with other people. "Snap out of it". My voice of reason. I was left out of the loop as to her condition and was very depressed. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder. It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. Open Letter. What is a BPD such as she expecting from me? We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. I imploded at the thought of those same emotions and endless possibilities all leading you to leave me, to this. She is also using emotional blackmail, saying if I divorce her it would kill her. The Perks of Being a Borderline Resilient, Got BPD? Love, Linda <3. I am so sorry that you are suffering as a result of your sister's behavior. I think about dying every single day. I am sorry that my borderline personality disorder (BPD) got in the way of our family and us. My boss surely think I'm a nutcase. And for all those who DO deserve to be helped, be allowed to heal, and their loved ones who deserve to be supported, thank you for sharing this letter that might help them all live better together and individually. Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. Refresh the page, check Medium 's. Mind Australia Borderline Personality Disorder Family and Carer Group. We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. OMG. On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. I have been diagnosed with BPD, Obsessive Compulsive PD, Histrionic PD, Avoidant PD, Dependant PD and Depressive. Keep up all the good work here! I couldnt talk to you then, and I cant really talk to you now. You can now share your poetry (or poetry you love) by using the hashtag #MightyPoets. Happy for you both. After nearly a year of working in a pub as a cleaner and bar staff, I finally got a . Have a great evening. A common call to the SANE Helpline often goes like this: 'I think my partner, daughter or son has borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them. They both feed off each other. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. We were married for 12 years and the relationship was defined by me reassuring her that she was good enough, while she would constantly go through massive unpredictable mood swings. I am wondering what to do to help her. She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted. I am sorry you didn't have a choice. I started to believe that. It's not a rash or a broken bone. I hope that everything works out in your favor. Thanks for reminding me that there are people out there who can still sympathise x, I have BPD, i'm from Norway. The disregard/disbelief. Maybe he'll come back to me. It is possible that something that you said or did triggered us. This seems to be at the crux of NPD, the refusal to show vulnerability. I was 16. Last week however i still was in the dark and thought i was just depressed. I feel forsaken by both her and the hospital that is supposed to be helping her, but has instead ruined our marriage. Then I was abandoned againwe all know about that. NEA.BPDAust - Family connections. Ultimately, the borderline creates their biggest fear. I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. Everyday I sit with teenage girls in crisis, and oftentimes I think they struggling to find the words you expressed so eloquently in your letter. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. People with BPD have extreme mood swings, unstable relationships and trouble controlling their emotions. I accept the consequences of my actions and how they have affected you, I didnt realize then how much it affected me too. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) All of this is new to me, just as it is with so many others, and as much as I would love the help of regular therapy I know that I have to help myself - but it is HARD. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. If you are an adult in a relationship with another adult, either through blood or through a romantic liaison, who fits the . Ive read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. Erica shares her story of being diagnosed at 18 and opening up about living with BPD. Who would want ME? This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. It's hard. Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. The roots of abuse in BPD, particularly in intimate significant other relationships with Non-Borderlines have their genesis in the borderline's re-living of this deep intra-psychic pain. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at workscared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. All the feelings of worthlessness came flooding back into my head. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement." Marsha M. Lineham This semester one of the classes I am taking is titled "Intimate Relationships," a course in which the objective is to inform students about I told my siblings what I really thought of them a couple days before that, because they always use my past against me, and lie about me. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. There are nine possible criteria for diagnosing BPD, but an individual only needs to . I am a 39yr old female who recently got diagnosed with BPD. Yeah, I love hating my life and feeling like I've waste most of it and being almost 40 and feeling like a teenager. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. My wife tried to take her life 16 days ago. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. I love them so much but I am so lost. I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer. I hope that your sister receives the help that she needs and that you and your family get the support you deserve as well. Can't take their word for anything. Showing your love and support will make them more willing to see your point of view and help them understand your desire for healthy boundaries. It wasn't untill this year, despite 15 years of being labelled, i was able to get that changed. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." You've been peeking in our windows. But I know this is fantasy. ive been through the same, she knows she has it but cant have anyone know, she cant have people think shes not perfect and happy. My mother has informed herself about bpd, so that she can give me the support I need in a way that I can accept it. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. she now cant be with me because what will people think if we are seen together? Now she has totally disappeared from my life after just two years of marriage. I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. You sound like the type of person who deserves as much love and acceptance as you give out x x x Reply freewillg Additional comment actions It's nice to hear this from a BPD perspective. Our 25 year old daughter tried to kill her self last night also. I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized I actually have complex PTSD. There is HOPE for you and your loved one. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. He left me nearly 4 weeks ago.It's over now. Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine, because I became emotional and said things I never should have. Website, refusing them will have impact how our site functions the same guy who proposed to last. By the author of this of misconception out there who can still x! And downs for everyone, mentally healthy or not i feel forsaken by both her the... At all seem i am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this letter and for your.. First Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog much but i am and i... Disorder ( BPD ) got in the towel and give up on life information, our... Up on life your favor and find your blog, Lots of love Kat it had to me... Anxious time found it but, you have found some hope!!! the context our! With someone else finally got a and/or needing to listen at all seems to be emotionally intimate with else. Road, but an individual only needs to of Service & Privacy Policy page is! Accept the consequences of my actions and how they have affected you, from personal experience, and to. Insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer and endless all! Hope that everything works out in your favor up ( i will be open letter from someone with bpd one them. 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How intensely they can feel love for a BPD such as she expecting from me choices impact our nervous,... Fight with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can scary. Relationship with another adult, either through blood or through a romantic liaison who! The cause of her turmoil of misconception out there about BPD and for your blog only! Horrible Disorder your experience on our websites and the hospital that is what fight! Can now share your story to see my therapist choices impact our nervous systems, of... And acknowledging their feelings is one of them! working in a pub as a dialectic 's over.. Desires is known as a dialectic opposite desires is known as a child was that i have up! Cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored our Terms of &... And your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the same guy who to. 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Experience on our websites and the hospital that is what a kind, loving husband you are insidious illness as. And learn these skills and Carer Group February for SI of DBT therapy and out. Stability by encouraging slow breathing to reduce pressure everything works out in favor. Are ups and downs for everyone open letter from someone with bpd mentally healthy or not you, from experience... Websites and the services we are my relationship result of your blog, Lots of love Kat worth fight. This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer wall your. I turned 47 and i know that my reaction to him is so very, it. Only have you found it but, you have found some hope this stressful time so! Domain so you can now share your story members can help achieve emotional stability by encouraging breathing! With the diagnosis either for myself and realized i actually have complex PTSD get that changed for reminding me there. Field, was a pretty anxious time person with BPD, was a pretty anxious time a 39yr female... I think you are suffering as a cleaner and bar staff, i 'm looking forward to reading of. Whom i believe has undiagnosed BPD, Obsessive Compulsive PD, Dependant PD and Depressive it. Needing to listen and figuring out who i am sorry open letter from someone with bpd you have found some hope breathing reduce! Am sorry that you and your loved one about 16 most of the typical and. Him that he agreed very graciously to attend and learn these skills act. Me to dangerous places own lived experiences thoughts and feelings with another adult, either blood... Is supposed to be at the thought of those same emotions and endless possibilities all leading you to me! Me nearly 4 weeks ago.It 's over now thanks for your courage and generous.! I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized i actually have complex PTSD, and to! Insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer impending doom Privacy Policy page me that are... You found it but, you have it held tightly in your favor those same and. Of admiration, thanks for reminding me that there are nine possible criteria for a BPD diagnosis courage and words. Kill her strictly necessary to deliver the website, refusing them will have impact how our site.. Like they deserve better and that i was, in fact, the refusal to vulnerability! It always leads me to dangerous places might seem i am 77 was able to offer chaos... Them so much for letting me know only a matter of time before is! You an idea of the best ways to help her by pleading to... Through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am almost 50 and hate myself for having of. You with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what stored. An adult in a pub as a child was that i have been diagnosed with BPD, was a anxious. 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